'I dreamt of becoming a mother. Now I feel like a murderer'

By Catholic Online (NEWS CONSORTIUM)
10/25/2012
Catholic Online (www.catholic.org)

British mom tells of her anguish over intentionally aborting her disabled baby at an advanced stage of pregnancy

British mother Hilary Freeman was set to welcome her daughter Elodie into the world - until she learned her child would be disabled and might only live briefly if born. She made the decision to abort her child - and has found no solace ever since.

After the horrid experience and the tragedy of taking the life of her disabled child through a procured abortion, Hilary Freeman vows to have more children.

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LOS ANGELES, CA (Catholic Online) - Freeman, at 41, was older and in a late-term pregnancy. She decided to undergo a test to determine if her child was afflicted with Down's syndrome. "I was 22 weeks pregnant when I finally learnt the truth, in a phone call from a fetal medicine midwife."

"She said she was sorry, but the full amniocentesis results showed that Elodie had a chromosome condition called Trisomy 2 Mosaicism (an extra copy of chromosome two), which is so rare that . there are only five children known to be living with it in the world, and only seven live births recorded in medical literature."

"Each of the surviving children has severe, but different, disabilities: brain damage, feeding problems, heart and kidney problems, and physical deformities. Chromosome two is so fundamental to human life that, usually, a problem with it causes spontaneous early miscarriage," Freeman says.

"The doctors all made it clear they thought a termination (a euphemism for an intentionally procured abortion) was for the best. (My partner) Mickael said he'd be supportive of whatever decision I made, but he was also clear that it wouldn't be fair to let our baby suffer."

Freeman decided to "terminate her pregnancy". In other words, she decided to intentionally have her disabled child killed through a procured abortion rather than give birth to her. She now says it was a horrid experience in many ways.

"Added to this, I was told what a late NHS termination involves. It is not a painless or quick surgical procedure, performed under anesthetic. The process takes four days."

"First, potassium chloride - the chemical used in U.S. executions - would be injected through my abdomen into Elodie's heart . Two days later, I would come back to the hospital to be induced. I would then have to go through labor and give birth to my dead baby. Afterwards, I'd be given tablets to dry up my milk."

Freeman says she was determined to give her unborn child what she thought would be the maximum amount of dignity in the chemical abortion procedure. "There can be few things in life more painful than choosing your baby's funeral music and readings while she is still kicking inside you . I also had to choose the outfit she would wear in her coffin."

Doctors inserted the chemical to kill her unborn baby. "I closed my eyes, clutched Mickael's hand and cried until it was done. Elodie was kicking me right until the end. When she stopped, I realized I'd never feel her move again".

"For the next two days I walked around zombie-like, carrying my dead baby inside me."

Freeman then gave birth to her dead child in the manner she would have if her child had lived. "In a way, I felt I deserved the pain of each contraction as retribution for taking my baby's life - a reaction I'm told is not unusual among women in my situation."

Both Freeman and her partner were allowed to see their child lying in state. "At just over a pound, she was far bigger than I'd been led to expect, and she was perfect, absolutely beautiful, with her father's mouth and my hands."

"We talked to her and held her and admired her tiny fingers and fingernails, just as you would any newborn baby.

"For a while I felt euphoric - another of nature's cruel hormonal tricks - until I realized that she was growing cold and it hit me that she would never get warm again."

Freeman says she will scatter the ashes of Elodie along the coast of Nice, France, where she was conceived. After the tragedy - and the trauma and travail caused by intentionally killing her disabled child through a procured abortion - she vows to have more children.

� 2012, Catholic Online. Distributed by NEWS CONSORTIUM.

- - -

Pope Benedict XVI's Prayer Intentions for January 2013
General Intention: The Faith of Christians. That in this Year of Faith Christians may deepen their knowledge of the mystery of Christ and witness joyfully to the gift of faith in him.
Missionary Intention: Middle Eastern Christians. That the Christian communities of the Middle East, often discriminated against, may receive from the Holy Spirit the strength of fidelity and perseverance.

Keywords: Abortion, Britain, abortion, late stage, disability, chromosomal irregularity,

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1 - 10 of 50 Comments

Dj
1 month ago
Yes Doctors most CERTAINLY DO SUGGEST (and will even make you feel forced into!!)LATE TERM ABORTIONS!! TO THE GUY BACK THERE THAT SAID THEY DONT, and until "You personally have walked that way, shut up the talk"!! cuz you dont have a clue in H E L L what going through such a thing does to the mother!! YOU CANT BEGIN TO COMPREHEND THE GRIEF & PAIN THAT YOU HAVE TO LEARN TO LIVE WITH THE REST OF YOUR LIFE BECAUSE YOU WERE SO IN LOVE WITH YOUR BABY YOU HAD TO GIVE HIM BACK TO GOD!!! So unless youve been there yourself you dont know what the hell your ignorant minds would REALLY DO in such a horrific situation!!! Shame on all of you!!!
Bill M.
6 months ago
This is one of the saddest things I've ever read.
marie
6 months ago
we do not have the right to judge someone eleses life desisons! she made the choice that she thought was right, her baby was to be born severly damaged and her childs suffering could of been much longer. I don't think anyone can comment on her repenting for her sins as there called untill you are made to make that kind of dicision yourself!! and i do believe we should pray for this mother to have peace and joy and forgiveness for herself she had to make a very difficult discision, and grief of a child never ends.....
Hilary
6 months ago
I have kept my counsel despite the many hurtful, nasty, judgemental and patronising comments on here. Believe me, I have had to bite my tongue and have deleted many responses I began to write because I didn't want to get personal and stoop to the level of some of the people who have said horrible things for no reason other than to have their say.
Let's get something straight: I didn't post my article on this website - it was for a british newspaper, which is not an organ for the Catholic church - and I didn't ask for your opinions, but I appreciate that since my article is in the public domain, it will attract comments from people who don't agree with my choices.
However, I would appreciate it if, before you comment, you read my whole article - not just the selected quotes that have been printed here to illustrate a particular point of view - which is not one I share.
Here it is: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2222656/I-dreamt-mother-Now-I-feel-like-murderer-Hilary-23-weeks-pregnant-doctors-gave-shattering-news-Her-account-followed-leave-emotions-shreds.html
You are all entitled to your values and beliefs, whether or not I share them. However, what I don't accept is those of you who are trying to tell me black is white. How dare you argue with what the doctors told me? Were you there? Do you have a doctorate in genetics or fetal medicine. Have you studied Trisomy 2 Mosaicism? You might not like the decision I made, or agree with it, but have the decency not to tell me that what I'm saying is not true when you don't know what you're talking about.
And for the record, once again, I am not repentent. I feel and will always feel sad about what happened but I KNOW it was the right thing to do and yes, I would do it again if I were in the same position. I saved my daughter from pain and suffering. That was the only reason I did it.
As for my marital status, that has nothing to do with anything.
Paul
6 months ago
Alas. No doctor would recommend an abortion for this purpose. Please stop suggesting they would. Hilary is clearly repentant, and needs our prayers and support.
isabel
6 months ago
we r in a sinful world. we all need repentance & obey God's Law/ We need a spiritual revival, marriage is sacred & sex is for a married couple of a man & a woman. Living a godly life could resolve social problems, abortion is to kill in God,s eyes. I pray that she and her partner repent, be forgiven and get married with a blessing from God first before sex. Amen
Margo
6 months ago
Hilary Freeman was set to welcome her daughter Elodie into the world - until she learned her child would be disabled and might only live briefly if born. Is this an excuse? Are you the only one in the world who has/ or would have birthed a disabled child? I am not judging Hillary. This would not have been a choice for me.
I hope that Hillary finds peace and forgiveness.
I can't imagine this at all. 18 more weeks she could have enjoyed her baby Elodie, even if for a short time.

Compassionately.
Terry
6 months ago
I am amazed and saddened by many of the posted comments. I am 100% pro life but many of the comments were truly mean. Hillary's point that many women have felt the same way but are too afraid to speak about it (for fear of a reaction such as she received) was a good one. We must have compassion for the women who've made these choices and pray for their healing. Sharing her experience will hopefully help a woman who is in a similar position and might just have helped someone make a choice for life. Hillary, I hope that you come back to this forum - thank you for sharing.
Carla
6 months ago
i FEEL SO BAD...i am sick...THIS STORY IS WORST EVER!! kill own child??? I cannt imagine that feeling... I feel very very sad...Dear child may Angels be with you...
Harris
6 months ago
My heart is pounding

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